Missing You (But I'll Never Say It)
by Suffering Angel
Summary: Billy and Tommy got their mom back. Cassie got her dad back. Why, then, shouldn't Teddy?


I don't own YA.

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**_Missing You (But I'll Never Say It)_**

Teddy couldn't say he had a lot in life, really. He had a family of two, himself included, was a mutant - or so he thought, and had to keep many secrets from those around him, close as they might be. Still, he considered himself lucky, and thought he had a good life.  
His mother, his lone relative, loved him as much as he did her. He had powers, which were not only sickeningly useful, but also downright _cool_from a fanboy's perspective.  
And then - then he had a boyfriend, one he could shower with attention and affection and be rewarded by in a similar manner for his efforts. Together they were part of a superhero team, living the dream.  
He didn't have much, some might say - but Teddy thought he had it good.

Her name was Cassie Lang - Ant-Man's daughter. Before, Teddy could be sympathetic, but he never really knew what to say. What _can_ you say to someone who lost a parent? All he could do was silently admire her, appreciate her determination, her drive to pick up where her dad left off. To carry on his legacy. Even when she talked about how much she missed her dad, even if she talked about bringing him back, Teddy had nothing to say because he just didn't know - not the details, not the circumstances, and certainly not what it felt like.

But then his mother died, and he did - all too well.

Cassie's words were never the same after that. It hit too close to home, suddenly was just all too relatable. They threw at him a reality he could never really fully look away from.  
But that wasn't the only thing that changed. For instance, being with Billy's family did, too.  
They were a caring, loving, almost perfect family, but it didn't matter how good they were to him, how welcoming and accepting, or how hard they tried to make him feel at home. Nothing would ever change the fact they just weren't _his_ family, and that made all the difference.

Teddy had a hard time looking at Billy the same after that, too. Most of the time he managed, but not always. Sometimes, those times he couldn't hold it back and he thought even Billy wouldn't notice, it showed in his eyes - a yearning, a longing. Hope. But more than anything - a request.  
Cassie kept talking about the Scarlet Witch, and how if they found her, she could bring Cassie's dad back. Teddy didn't need to go that far, risk so much - not when he was sharing a bed with the Scarlet Witch's son, who inherited her powers. All Teddy had to do was ask, and he knew Billy would bend reality either which way until Teddy's mom was back and everything was ok again.  
All it took - was for him to ask.

But he didn't. Because Teddy didn't want to use Billy like that, didn't want to abuse his trust and purity and goodness and kindness. Even if he knew Billy wouldn't see it like that - Teddy would. So he said nothing, and thought - hoped - that with time, it would get better.

It only got worse.

And then they had no choice but to look for Wanda, if Billy was to ever have any hope and even a semblance of freedom. They had to find her, prove she was innocent, at least - no longer a threat, or - hand her over to the Avengers if only to appease them. This sense of mission, this focus kept Teddy going, and was almost enough to let him block out her voice whenever Cassie talked about getting her dad back - almost.

It was impossible to ignore when Scott Lang himself was right there, though. When Cassie threw herself at him and held on as though for dear life. When he hugged her back like any parent would. Teddy then also became painfully aware of Wanda's presence - Billy's mother. The Scarlet Witch. Next to her - Nate - Iron Lad - the time traveler. And that was when he made a mistake.

He knew he shouldn't. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help it. For a brief moment, his chest tightened, and he felt out of breath. A sound threatened to leave him words, a sentence - a request. A plea. And for a brief instance, in the past, surrounded by these capable, uncanny people, watching this impossible scene unfold, Teddy couldn't help but think -

_Why not_?

They could do it. They could save her - the one family Teddy ever knew.

That was before Jack of Hearts.  
That was before Wanda remembered the Scarlet Witch.  
That was before Cassie died - a life for a life, in exchange for Scott's.  
Before Teddy had to face the fact that not even Chaos-magic was that generous and giving.

There was a price - there was always a price.

He thought back on that moment many times after, and each time anew he was filled with regret, and a gnawing sense of shame. It wasn't even about how weak he was - it was all about that _what-if_. All about the price he would have had to pay if it came to pass - and he'd have had to pay.

Would it have been Billy, he thought often, usually when he came to check up on him, sitting by the windowsill. If Teddy got his mom back, would he have to give Billy up? One important person for another?  
The thought always sent shivers down his spine, and made him grateful Billy was there, cuddled up by the windowpane, where Teddy could see him - where Teddy could reach and touch him. And bad as it was, he knew, every time Billy turned to give him that hollow look -  
It could've been worse.

Maybe Teddy wouldn't have even been there to see it, he thought bitterly. Cassie didn't lose anyone else - she paid the price herself. Chances were that Teddy would've taken his mother's place. And then who would've been there for her? To have her come back, to a world with him no longer in it, like Scott...  
And then, who would've been there for Billy, Teddy thought one night, and the fact he could still think in this manner was almost too much for him to cope with all on its own. But it changed little - if Teddy was gone, no one would've been there to care for Billy. No one would've been there to call the guy and pull him off the windowsill. There would've been no one for Billy to get off the windowsill _for_.  
Talk about giving him a reason to sit alone in the dark.

So Teddy never talked about it, no matter how much it ate away at him. About how easy it would've been to bring her back - and lose everything else in the process. Because he wasn't going to lose Billy, to hurt him so much just by bringing it up.  
It was much better, easier for him to silently count his few blessings, just like he did all his life.


End file.
